I feel like one of those old cars spluttering along with bursts of enthusiasm and ideas only to run out before truly getting started, sparking spasmodically but never really ablaze!
Now with September just around the corner I am feeling the beginning stages of panic that I have not yet sorted what I will be doing for Christmas presents for the multitudes of offspring my siblings and sibling in laws have produced. I know that this sounds insane for some of you but when the brunt of the Christmas present production rests on ones shoulders one likes to start prepping early to avoid the manic last month rush to get them all made. In saying that every year seems to end the same way with me living off sparse amounts of sleep frantically trying to finish it all and vowing that next year we are saving the money to buy them all...and like a fool I keep repeating this ludicrous cycle! Well kids this year it may well be a candy cane with pipe cleaners fashioned around it to make antlers, googly eyes and a red pom pom stuck on it to call it Rudolph and a merry Christmas hug to finish it all off.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could just come up with some ideas as truly I do love creating and making but there is just nothing...nada...empty space where my ideas used to live...tumbleweed and a lonely whistled melancholy cowboy tune...sometimes crickets...and sometimes the slow loud ticking of a humongous looming clock!
Do women have mid life crisis's? Should I be getting some extra piercings, a red convertible and a tatt...would that make it all better? Maybe I need to get one of those toy dogs, you know..the Shihtpoo or Labradoodle or a Cockadoodledo breeds, a special dog carrying handbag, a gym membership and a wardrobe of colour coordinated gym gear. Or maybe I should just stop shaving, embrace the natural way of life and start eating soy products. Look anything looks good right now if it means I would stop feeling so exhausted and drained by my current journey and that my creative mojo would return along with some enthusiasm and energy!
Two main things not helping my current state of mind is my ever increasing list of injuries to my body and the amount of times I have been sick since returning to the Waikato. Yet again I find myself in bed on a Sunday with a sore throat, a cough, a bit of congestion, no energy and feeling like my eyes are sinking into my skull....*sigh* And my main 'injury' being golfers and tennis elbow in both arms means that some days after work my arms are just too sore and tired to even contemplate doing anything let alone picking up the needles to do a spot of knitting and crocheting....*even bigger sigh*
Pity party for one....going to town over here...celebrating big time!
But to bring some perspective to this raging pity party, I was flying to Christchurch for work just last week and began thinking about if the plane went down and that was the end for me how would I feel about that...morbid I know! And what surprised me was what I found deep down inside my heart when I looked. I have a husband whom I love, more than words can express (don't get me wrong there are still moments he drives me crazy but that's real love right there isn't it), three daughters who are not only beautiful on the outside but so beautiful on the inside it takes my breath away, I have loved, laughed, really lived and had character built in that journey as wife and mother, I am loved, I have a Mum, Dad and two sisters whose relationships I cherish and I am blessed enough to be close to them all, I have mostly been true to myself and for the most part love who I am as a person (still many improvements needed but celebrating the progress), I have created and made, I have dreamt and romanticised and I even got to visit New York (the one thing I longed to do in my lifetime) and I get to relive that visit often in my mind.
And the really interesting thing is I felt satisfied, blessed, truly happy and there were no regrets that sprung to mind. It was very enlightening and freeing to realise that in all the things that truly matter I am rich beyond measure!! So with that said I will ride out the 'meh' stage I seem to be going through and I will continue on continuing on with the daily grind of work, kids, kids sports, housework and the never ending energy sapping tasks that are part of the journey because I am grateful, I am blessed, I am alive, I am loved, I am rich in all that matters and spring is coming!
Take care and till then