Thursday, 31 December 2015

Reflections and thoughts...

It's 2.15pm and I am sitting on my bed having only just had my shower after a blissfully lazy morning and early afternoon of reading on my bed and doing absolutely nothing else!  The feeling is amazing and a well needed intense relaxation session which is helping me to feel ready for the year ahead and to sort a few things out in my head.  Perhaps too there is a bit of divine intervention as I happen to be reading a book at this very time where women from different walks of life are being forced to come to grips with who they are, embracing that and beginning to live their truth...hmmmm.  You see I am a person who likes to understand how and why I work the way I do, I love to learn from experiences and to grow and believe there is never an end to that.  I will be growing until the day I take my last living breath, of this I am sure.

For me 2015 has been a hard year...for quite a few reasons...but the beauty of hard is the gold that comes out the other side.  Having been through 'hard' a few times in my life I now know that while I may buck, cry and protest against the hard and give into the thoughts that it may break me, in my soul I know that there is gold coming and I just need to hang on, to learn and to grow.  It's painful and some days I don't want to grow or learn but instead curl up in my bed, feel sorry for myself and stagnate so on those days I let myself.  But I also know that I can't stay there for long or the very life that courses through my veins, the hope, dreams and strength starts to die and then all those hard times will be for nothing.  So I allow myself a small break and then tell myself to get up and keep fighting.  This comes from my mother by both nature and nuture.  My mother role modelled to me every day of my childhood that when life knocks you on your rear end you take a breath and get back up...and so we do.  I will be forever grateful to my Mum for instilling this into my very core and for getting up every day and fighting and not giving up, for choosing to see good in amongst the crap, for teaching us the things in life that really hold true value which are by no means material possessions bought with money, but they are the rubies and gold worth fighting to hold on to.

So with all that said 2015 for me has been a year of growing my patience, learning to find happiness in the small things not my circumstances and learning that security is a fluid illusion so not to stake my sense of self in that sinking sand - and that right there is my gold from 2015.

One of my biggest stumbling blocks in my life journey, that I feel it is really time to start overcoming, is my fear of confrontation, being voiceless when I want to be heard and for allowing others to sometimes have too much control and say over my journey.  Now I am a strong person, passionate and persistent and consider myself very capable when I want to be but I have an irrational fear of hurting those whom I love by saying what I truly think in the times I really need to so I tend to stay quiet.  I am easily hurt by words and actions of others and am extremely sensitive to rejection and disapproval especially from those I love so much.  I am sensitive...this is both a blessing and a curse and there have been some life experiences that have heightened this side of my personality and while I am not a victim or defined by those experiences they nonetheless sometimes affect my filtering and consequent reactions to certain situations. Therefore due to my fear of confrontation, setting boundaries is definitely not my strength and I often find myself saying yes when I long to say no which breeds resentment and contempt which is not healthy for anyone involved! Work in progress right here!

With these great big frustrating stumbling blocks in mind, 2016 for me is going to be about having a voice.  Now I don't mean having a voice in a selfish and unkind way as I still believe kindness is a life key and is incredibly important to the human race.  But rather that having a voice and setting boundaries is being kind to others by not getting myself into situations where I resent them and doing things out of contemptuous obligation rather than honest willingness.  I am responsible for setting my own boundaries, not assuming that others will read my mind and just that is the quest for 2016.

A couple of years ago after some pondering I decided upon the three things that were most important to me and my journey - be kind, have courage and live truth.  These three things are what I strive for, in my relationships, in my parenting, in my interactions with family and friends and in my decision's not always achieved that's for damn sure, but I do try. So my quest for 2016 embodies all three aspects of what I hold important for my journey, as I am not living truth, being courageous or being kind when I am not honest about my own boundaries with those I love.  So time to take it up a notch and stretch the old tent pegs.

And my final thought for 2016 is inspired by the an Oprah interview a few weeks ago and the one line she said that resonated in my soul and has been at the forefront of my mind ever since - 'our legacy is every life we touch' - that concept is so powerful, inspirational, motivational and freeing! It changes my view on everything - the difference we bring to this world does not depend on what we do or what we have but on the lives that we touch every day!

Bring on the new year, bring on the new growth and bring on the new gold!!


Take care and till then


  1. Beautiful words Kelly. I only know you through your blog and by following your journey on Facebook but even from the snippets you show, I can tell you are full of kindness and even if you don't think so, you are courageous in sharing parts of your life with strangers. In a way, I think your blog shows your truth already. Keep being you, like-minded people will always be drawn to that. Wishing you and your family a wonderful 2016.

  2. Leanne...are you trying to make me cry!! Actual tears from reading your kind words. Thank you so much. Wishing you and your family a wonderful 2016 too, may it be the best one yet!