more of the journey...

Oh my goodness...just sitting down to write a post to update the journey progress and I am interrupted by having to tell one of the teenagers the same thing I have told said teenager fifty million times and still it is news to the said teenager every bloody time I say it!!  I just know that the mummy birds actually get their little clawed foot up and give the nearly ready babes a fair boot out of the nest...I just know it!  I'm telling you it's getting crowded in the Red Delicious nest and the wings of my babies are getting too full of feathers and in my face and there are moments when I am really looking forward to them flying out on their own and having some room in my nest again.  But then the flash of annoyance and impatience passes and I look at the photos of them all at six months old that hang on the wall just in front of me as I write this and a flood of memories come at me of the years gone by and I know that I am not quite ready for that next stage...not yet my little babies not yet.

Anyway I digress, so unlike me I know!  So we are approaching the end of week 3 of the new journey, I mean the actual journey is in it's 38th year but I am referring to the one I spoke of 2 weeks ago where there were goals of lots of walking and no eating of chocolate.  How has it gone you ask....

Progress report so far (day six of third week)...
walking is actually going swimmingly, while I have missed the odd day due to excuses that nobody really cares about or wants to hear and while some days I have to force myself to get off my very generous behind and out the door, I am actually really enjoying the walking...shocked the heck out of me!  Not only that but I am really noticing the benefits of walking and how different my day goes when it includes some form of exercise, no seriously now!  I mean I have heard all that talk for years and thought yeah yeah sure whatever floats your boat but now that ones body does not have the bounce back of a young perky spring chicken the benefits are more glaringly obvious.

Not only that, but I no longer feel like a penguin in a wet suit walking down the road in my 'exercise gear' feeling totally uncomfortable with the wind, my too tight sports bra and my shorts eating thighs situation.  I may look exactly the same, I try not to study that too much, but I 'feel' better and that's what this journey is about right?! And let me tell you when you walk fast, listening to great music with a 90% success rate of holding back the song longing to burst forth for fear of looking like a crazy loon, a girl can work up a sweat.  And boy walking the streets of Hillcrest (for those who have no idea it is a hilly suburb...in case the name didn't give that away) these legs of mine feel the burn, this may not be the case for those of you with obvious muscles but for those whose muscles are a little 'hidden' shall we say it is a flipping good work out.

The only down side for me is the swollen hands situation, which is the original reason I have always hated walking as opposed to going for a run.  For some reason walking makes my hands swell up and I become 'Kelly sausage fingers' ...let me just say not the superhero power I was after or would ever choose.

My hand right now as I am typing this

My hand post walk

Sausage fingers aside...another interesting development is that I have suddenly become a person who takes copious amounts of flower photos....yes I know!  I am that person!!  My instagram feed is taking on a very floral feel and I actually have to stop myself from posting yet another picture of yet another bloody flower.  I just can't help it, it's spring and when you are walking you just notice all the amazingly beautiful plants as you walk past and why not stop and take a photo right?!  I am rather stoked that I did finally manage to get a photo of the elusive bee - do you know how many photos I have taken trying to get a bee photo and then by pure accident I capture a bumble bee mid flight with it's little tongue out - magic!

 And as for the chocolate - well I am pleased to announce that not one chocolate bar or block has been purchased or has touched these lips and I am feeling just a wee bit proud of myself.  Not only that but I took it one step further to see just how far I could take the deprivation and have changed to decaf coffee.  I know right!! The headaches were ridiculous, it was not a fun couple of days for the smaller members of the house who can't help but up the annoying quotient when one least needs it.  I was a grizzly bear out from hibernation far far too early, snapping and snarling and panadol was basically a placebo as it had no affect on the vice like grip of caffine withdrawals.  However, I am now out the other side and it's been a full week on fake coffee, decaf - the coffee when you're not having a coffee!  Why you ask did I put myself (and my family) through this - well it was prompted by my visit to the Occupational Medical Specialist that ACC sent me to and while the outcome was not what I was wanting I think it is actually far better.  Turns out I have OOS not tennis and golfers elbows meaning that I will never be covered by ACC but also that the work I do on the computer as an accountant is 'hurting me but not harming me' - best words ever!  With those words all my worry and fear left the building and now it's about managing the pain when I have it instead of worrying that one day I will be brushing my teeth using my toes.  In that appointment he mentioned that caffine was not good for OOS as the whole problem is muscles not relaxing properly.  And let's face it for this girl caffine is not taken to relax oneself but rather to prop oneself up when one is a night owl in an early birds life and far to defiant to change ones ways so consequently burns ones candle at both ends.  So I made the plunge and bought some decaf and now not only am I the flower loving, no chocolate eating person who raves about the benefits of walking but also the decaf coffee drinker!  Wonders never cease.

Right so onwards and upwards and the setting of new goals...

my two goals for the next 'undetermined amount of time before I blog about my progress' are...

1. get more sleep - I am not setting times here as I am a bit of rebel when it comes to 'having' to be in bed by a certain time and even though I set the time I still defy myself - I have issues OK?!  So what I am looking for here is to be conscious of how my body is feeling and aiming to be kind in the sleep department rather than staying up just to watch telly!

2. cut down to one teaspoon of sugar in my fake coffee from one and a half teaspoons- sounds ridiculous but for a sweet tooth who has recently given up chocolate for a season this is not that ridiculous

OK I think that's enough said for today as I am looking at this page and there is an awful lot of words!  Why is it that always when I am thinking about writing a post or writing more frequently that I think I have nothing to say and then I start writing and out comes a novel?!

Take care and till then

how does my garden grow...

It's about time for a long overdue garden update of what is season two for the Red Delicious venture into gardening and growing ones own veggies.  Well...a month has passed (or there abouts) since I last posted about my garden (just realised that was on Facebook not here!) and it has been a month full of gardening woos for me.  In summary I would say the last month has been the war of the snails.  I'd come home full of anticipation and excitement with my new baby veggie plants and lovingly replant them in my garden, give them a bit of water, a bit of gentle conversation and leave them to grow for the night.  Next day I would check on my little babies horrified to discover that all that was left was what one could only describe as a plant nub!

Now I just want it known that I really tried to warn them, I sprinkled those sharp little egg shells everywhere round the garden, I mean they should have received the message loud and clear that the Red Delicious gardens were back in full spring swing and their presence was not welcome.  But no....I replanted the courgettes three bloody times!!!  That is some flipping expensive snail food I was buying each week with the groceries.  So I'm sorry to tell you I just had to resort to snail bait which I must admit made me a little sad, but then I looked at my baby veggie plant nubs and sprinkled that stuff everywhere with reckless abandon and no guilt!  I would much rather that they just heeded the egg shell warning but I'm afraid that the consequences of their non-compliance was death!!  The garden did indeed become a snail graveyard for a good week but now fear reigns over the snail kingdom in our garden and we have won the war.

So snails in line and the garden now a blanket of egg shells (just in case!) my little veggies are finally starting to grow and I still get so much joy from watching them.  In the back garden I have a rhubarb, two courgettes, two baby belle capsicums (one was ravaged by the snails but has made a miraculous comeback), a cucumber, spring onions and a sea of spinach.  In the pots on the deck the cherry tomato plants have taken off and are doing really well and this year I went for two different types so will be really interesting to see how they compare.  The replanted strawberries that my Mum gave me are doing really well and so far we have had two delicious strawberries from them and lots more growing all the time.  And the self seeded lettuces that I replanted into pots for the deck are producing plentifully and we haven't had to buy lettuce for a few weeks now.  Most of the herbs are ticking along nicely, the basil, oregano and thyme are doing well and I have the ingredients in the cupboard to finally make my first ever pesto.  The rosemary is finally starting to grow a full year after I first planted it but sadly my mint looks sicker every day so I'm thinking I need to buy a new one and start again.  'Mint is easy' they said, 'it will grow like a weed' they said...well apparently not for me...do I give off anti-mint vibes?!

And that my friends is how my garden grows so far in season two of this beginner's venture into gardening.

Take care and till then

the journey...

The journey - doesn't that just sound so delicious, full of intrigue, mystery, heartbreak and happiness? Can't you just hear the emotive background music swelling as the camera swoops in to see a profile of my face looking determined yet deep, my hair softly stirring as a gentle breeze embraces me, staring into distance at the mountain range that lies ahead, symbolising challenges and triumph, as I am about to embark on the trip of a lifetime??  Do I watch too much TV - eh maybe but I love it so I'm going with that!  Although I did read the other day on a post that someone kindly put on facebook the things that successful people do with the flip side list for those not quite so successful and guess which side TV watching was on - yep the unsuccessful list!  There was a moments pause pondering if it was something I could look to give up in the quest for success....only took a few seconds, TV and me - friends for life!!

Anyway onwards and upwards and back to my journey.  So I am 'fit and healthy' challenged with a whole lot of extra loving, too much for one person really.  I guess you could say that I am one of those people that is wearing their 'issues' on the outside.  Very easy for others to see and much like parenting every Tom, Dick and Harry feels the need to give advice or bring 'lite' food options when coming for a visit under the guise of being helpful.  Let me tell you right now on behalf of all of us who carry our struggles for all to see, if we haven't asked for advice, tips, guidance and we haven't asked for 'lite' food to be on the menu then just don't do it!  Unless we can bring a counsellor to our next get together to go over your issues which while they may not be on the outside like mine, we all know they are there!  And like Katniss Everdeen I feel the sudden urge to salute mankind - salute our togetherness in this thing called life, staunch and brave but connected by our flaws and struggles...cue dramatic music...man I wish life came with a sound track, the music always makes the moments!

That is the beauty of the journey and humans really - we are all flawed yet amazing, we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have raw and healed, we all have ugly and breathtaking and there is always someone somewhere who understands and has experienced the struggles you have and are facing.  It constantly amazes me, the more you live your truth, ugly and all, doing the journey and being honest about the process, the more you connect with others.  There is nothing as amazing as connecting, truly connecting with another person, being heard and seen, belonging and feeling understood - best feeling in the world!

Boy do I digress!  So I am nearing 38 and I find that the lack of care for my body over the last 20 years is catching up on me big time.  I am suffering from tennis and golfers elbow in both arms which leaves my arms weak and some days very sore, I have knee issues, shoulder blade issues and archilles issues.  I am the type of person who has always been all in or not at all, a 'rush pants gung ho' type, a 'if I can't do it right straight away then I'm not interested' type and consequently I have always been blase about stretching and caring for my muscles.  After months of no activity, carrying extra weight and eating too much chocolate, I would decide to go for a run because who really wants to walk, it's far too slow and beginner like!  And for the most part this was fine when I was younger and the old body bounced back and coped but now, well... now I have knots and so many tight unhappy muscles they are all protesting and I am feeling weak and old before my time.  And then I saw this video clip...

...every time I watch this I feel horrified, inspired, terrified and amazed!!  Uncomfortable yet intrigued - very confusing!  Then the other day the girls were doing that thing where you hold your legs up in the air with your butt right off the ground and it brought back fond memories of when I was a kid and did the exact same thing.  Now, I'm still pretty flexible so I should have this right, I mean last year I surprised my children and husband by pulling out cartwheels when the youngest was learning, I still sit cross legged on the ground like a 7 year old, yeah I got this....very very wrong!!!  Here are the girls doing this......

and then here is me...I could not even get my butt off the ground!  I was...speechless!!  And this only served to reinforce to me that it was time to get strong!

So not one to sit around too long feeling sorry for myself I have a new plan, a new stage in the journey and a new challenge.  Sure weight loss would be great but what I really want is to be fit and strong.  Because as I have found lately, when the body starts losing it strength and you start to feel weakness taking over, it impacts on your emotional and mental strength at the same time.  I have always considered myself to be a strong person in a holistic sense, emotional but strong, well lately I have let the injuries I am dealing with get on top of me and I have been giving way to defeat and hopelessness.  But also being a person who believes there is always a way forward, who likes to find solutions, a plan was bound to emerge.

So the plan is to let this journey not be about a number, I will not be weighing myself (which isn't really an option as my scales are broken anyway!!), to take one step at a time and to move forward, no matter how small the step as long as it's forward, towards being strong, fit and healthy.  I plan to have two goals every couple of weeks (some will be small while others will be bigger) that are geared at permanent changes to build on and I am going to share them here on my blog when I set new ones with a bit of a progress report.  I'm doing this so that I am accountable, it is easy to give up when no one is watching and trust me that has been my thing for quite some time when it comes to this particular area of my life.

Right so this being my first week my two goals are...

1. exercise for at least 30 minutes every day and for now that is walking and that is OK with me

2. no blocks of chocolate or chocolate bars - I've had enough to last me a lifetime!


Progress report so far (day three of first week)...
wind oh how you humble me, stepping out in my baggy 'exercise' t-shirt feeling as good as I can thinking my lumps and bumps are away from the public eye, that is until I hit the main road and suddenly I have entered a wind tunnel and my once baggy t-shirt, friend of the size challenged, is now a lycra sports suit and all can see that yes my sports bra is a little on the small side and yes I have back rolls and a tummy that is rivaling my boobs in the who is bigger contest!!  Chin up, head high at least you're out here right, yes damn straight!  Now to just pull down the shorts that my inner thighs seem to have a hungry appetite for as they gobble them up with each step - thank goodness for tights underneath is all I can say!  On the plus I have noticed houses I never saw before and seen many beautiful flowers and plants that normally don't even register.  There is something really refreshing about getting out in the fresh air, moving and actually seeing the world up close and personal.  And on that note I will end this epistle with some images of flowers I have stopped to admire along the way...just so pretty!

Take care and till then

...meh...

...meh....this would describe the funky state that I have been in for the last few weeks or rather on and off for the last few months...my get up and go has got up and gone...and taken my creative mojo with it!!  Absolutely void of all inspiration, energy and desire....*sigh*...

I feel like one of those old cars spluttering along with bursts of enthusiasm and ideas only to run out before truly getting started, sparking spasmodically but never really ablaze!

Now with September just around the corner I am feeling the beginning stages of panic that I have not yet sorted what I will be doing for Christmas presents for the multitudes of offspring my siblings and sibling in laws have produced.  I know that this sounds insane for some of you but when the brunt of the Christmas present production rests on ones shoulders one likes to start prepping early to avoid the manic last month rush to get them all made.  In saying that every year seems to end the same way with me living off sparse amounts of sleep frantically trying to finish it all and vowing that next year we are saving the money to buy them all...and like a fool I keep repeating this ludicrous cycle!  Well kids this year it may well be a candy cane with pipe cleaners fashioned around it to make antlers, googly eyes and a red pom pom stuck on it to call it Rudolph and a merry Christmas hug to finish it all off.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just come up with some ideas as truly I do love creating and making but there is just nothing...nada...empty space where my ideas used to live...tumbleweed and a lonely whistled melancholy cowboy tune...sometimes crickets...and sometimes the slow loud ticking of a humongous looming clock!

Do women have mid life crisis's?  Should I be getting some extra piercings, a red convertible and a tatt...would that make it all better?  Maybe I need to get one of those toy dogs, you know..the Shihtpoo or Labradoodle or a Cockadoodledo breeds, a special dog carrying handbag, a gym membership and a wardrobe of colour coordinated gym gear.  Or maybe I should just stop shaving, embrace the natural way of life and start eating soy products.  Look anything looks good right now if it means I would stop feeling so exhausted and drained by my current journey and that my creative mojo would return along with some enthusiasm and energy!

Two main things not helping my current state of mind is my ever increasing list of injuries to my body and the amount of times I have been sick since returning to the Waikato.   Yet again I find myself in bed on a Sunday with a sore throat, a cough, a bit of congestion, no energy and feeling like my eyes are sinking into my skull....*sigh*  And my main 'injury' being golfers and tennis elbow in both arms means that some days after work my arms are just too sore and tired to even contemplate doing anything let alone picking up the needles to do a spot of knitting and crocheting....*even bigger sigh*

Pity party for one....going to town over here...celebrating big time!










But to bring some perspective to this raging pity party, I was flying to Christchurch for work just last week and began thinking about if the plane went down and that was the end for me how would I feel about that...morbid I know!  And what surprised me was what I found deep down inside my heart when I looked.  I have a husband whom I love, more than words can express (don't get me wrong there are still moments he drives me crazy but that's real love right there isn't it), three daughters who are not only beautiful on the outside but so beautiful on the inside it takes my breath away, I have loved, laughed, really lived and had character built in that journey as wife and mother, I am loved, I have a Mum, Dad and two sisters whose relationships I cherish and I am blessed enough to be close to them all, I have mostly been true to myself and for the most part love who I am as a person (still many improvements needed but celebrating the progress), I have created and made, I have dreamt and romanticised and I even got to visit New York (the one thing I longed to do in my lifetime) and I get to relive that visit often in my mind.

And the really interesting thing is I felt satisfied, blessed, truly happy and there were no regrets that sprung to mind.  It was very enlightening and freeing to realise that in all the things that truly matter I am rich beyond measure!!  So with that said I will ride out the 'meh' stage I seem to be going through and I will continue on continuing on with the daily grind of work, kids, kids sports, housework and the never ending energy sapping tasks that are part of the journey because I am grateful, I am blessed, I am alive, I am loved, I am rich in all that matters and spring is coming!

Take care and till then

my little taste of the house on the prairie...

I am a dreamer, a romantic, an idealist...sometimes this does not work well with real life...sometimes that leads to a soul deep disappointment that life is not as I imagined it to be...the 'Free' song by Rudimental sums it up beautifully with the line 'this world ain't exactly what my heart expected'.

But sometimes the dreamer in me allows me to find joy in things that maybe others might not.  I love to read historical novels set back in the days when America was being settled, land being claimed and a new future was being forged.  Now I really can't even imagine how extremely hard that time of life was but the romantic in me loves what the novels portray as I read them, the excitement of that time, the new adventures and inventions, the community life and the fact that what they needed they made. 

The quilting circles, the home made preserves and bread, coffee on the stove, living off the land, the handsewn clothes and dolls, the rag rugs, the house raising done by communities when a new home was needed and the list goes on.  Now let's just remember being a romantic this view is just from the reading of many many beautiful historical fictional novels, and the watching of many many programmes and movies where the hard realities are glossed over by beautifully written words, fictional scripts, great actors, romantic notions and a 'utopian' view.

So with this in mind, for me, I find joy in the feeling that in my life I have a little taste of the house of the prairie.  Today with home baking done ready for the week ahead, the wood pile stacked and ready for the cold of winter and the stack of hand sewn squares being added to in preparation for two quilts for my two teenage daughters to be done completely by hand, I feel that joy at my little taste of times gone by.

This is what I mean by joy in things that others might not, like when I come home and see that wood pile it warms my heart and satisfies that place in my soul that lives in those novels and programmes. The hand sewn quilt that sits on my bed brings me joy each time I walk into my room because knowing that I have sewn the whole thing by hand makes me feel as if I am part of those women who have quilted for years, mostly out of necessity but also for joy, making handsewn treasures to be passed down to generations to come.  And I know it may sound silly but the fact that there is home baking for the week ahead (which trust me is not every week!) makes me feel a level of success that is satisfyingly connected to the women who had to bake from necessity to fill their family's hungry belly's.  These things make me feel grounded, centred and peaceful, they are a balm and tonic to the restlessness that sometimes creeps in when I get lost in the busyness of our modern day world and bring balance to my world.

So with all that said and feeling like I have a little slice of homestead in my rented suburban home surrounded by neighbours, shops and traffic, the romantic in me will celebrate the bliss, joy and happiness that surrounds me right at this moment.  I will continue to store up the precious life grounding moments like the firewood stack, the home baking and hand sewn quilts and find the joy in the small things, even if it is utopian, to help me survive the harshness that is reality.  Right in this moment at the red delicious 'homestead' the kids are quietly working on projects and homework, the husband is in the kitchen cooking up a delicious brew of butter chicken, the girls first games of the season have been played and enjoyed, the fire is on and warming our house, we have food to fill our belly's, clothes to keep us warm, cosy beds to sleep in tonight and so many many things to be grateful for, and I have a night of hand sewing ahead of me which is bliss.

I love that William Blake poem exert 'to see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower' - to me it has always meant to see the amazing greatness in the small details of life and as it turns out the longer I am on this journey the more those small details in life are in reality very very large!

Oh it just makes me so happy!

My babies just before their first games of the winter season

Quilts in progress

Harry our little fluffy bum!  I'm sure he's smiling

These two recipes are a winner!  Making them for the second week in a row due to popular demand

Yummy!!

Fabrics for the nearly 14 year old's quilt

Fabrics for the nearly 16 year old's quilt
Take care and till then

sometimes you zig and sometimes you zag...

Righto so I've been thinking, pondering, stewing and tied up in knots of late...was I meant to zig or zag??  I jumped into markets with great gusto, overflowing with enthusiasm and, in what some would call a manic pursuit, I was chasing down the dream.  In case you have momentarily forgotten, the dream for me is a craft hub full of delicious fabrics and notions, good coffee, classes and workspaces for anyone's use, creating communities that connect through the therapy of creativity, providing guidance and ideas, information and sources.  It is a grand dream to be sure but I can almost touch it, that is how real it is in my heart.

So in true Kelly style I threw myself into what I believed to be the right step towards the dream given what I was working with.  I work full time as an accountant which is not exactly what I would call a stress free job, I am also a Mum to three daughters and a wife and in any spare minute I was throwing myself, with reckless abandon, into the markets that were going to bring the funds to import my first lot of fabric.  Housework was on the back burner (although some would say it's never really at the front!) and so too were the kids, my husband and myself.

A few months down the track I was feeling worn out, discouraged and I will admit a little broken, limping from market to market as the realities of trying to do it all were crowding in around me.  So yesterday my Mum came for a spontaneous visit and it was just what this girl needed - Mum's are awesome!  I laid out all my concerns, my conflicting ideas and confusions, my heart felt desires to chase the dream and at the same time be here with my family and in the talking, as so often happens, the answer was there.  Ever so patiently, asking the right questions my Mum listened as I spewed out the jumble in my heart and mind and in amongst the mess was the answer that had been in my heart all along.  It was time to zag!

I was missing my family, I was missing the down time and I was missing just being me.  I have three short years until my eldest will be ready to fly from the nest and then a short two years after that the second will.  Our family life will change, which is natural and the way it should be.  But what it comes down to for me is that at the end will I regret not having the craft hub or will I regret not squeezing the most from family life before it is changed forever...the answer for me was very clear.  I needed to stop the markets for now...not forever and who knows if there will be more in my future but for now the large part of my heart that was changed forever the day I met these beautiful souls wants to be here..with them.

The red delicious journey is far from over, in fact it is only just beginning.  Knowing who I am, my limitations as well as my strengths, remembering and soaking in what the most important things in my world are, having a peace of heart and soul and allowing myself time to breathe and be me...that is my biggest journey!  I want, with everything in me, for the craft hub to be a reality, but it comes down to timing and for me the time is not just yet.  The cost of missing being part of this family is not a price I am willing to pay for what, at the end of the day, is a thing.

My sister posted this awesome Tony Robbins YouTube video talking about success...I was skeptical thinking yeah yeah what are you going to tell me about success, try harder, work more, give up more yarda yarda yarda.  But no it was just what this girl needed to hear...success isn't things be they careers or material possessions...success is progress!  Music to my ears...freedom!!  Success is progress!  It makes such perfect sense...success is growth, learning, development and progress.  For me, identifying when to stop the manic and make the wise decision not based on things is progress....so yesterday I decided to zag not based off things but based off listening to my heart and making the wise choice for the present time and for me that is progress...for me that is success!

 Take care and till then